Nine is a significant number in my life. There were nine people in my family. My father was nine years older than my mother, and my boyfriend of nine years is nine years older than I am.
Nine is also the number of completion, and I seem to be feeling as if I have completed the relationship I am in and am ready for a new adventure.
I began to notice this feeling a month or two ago. I had been aware that things were changing for awhile–my boyfriend and I had become tender friends rather than lovers over the course of the past year. I’d made all sorts of excuses–we were busy, tired, stressed. But I’d run out of excuses, and one day, my eyes popped open and I realized that our course of love–at least in its current form–was coming to a close. It took a month or two for me to move beyond fear–what if he became angry at me for moving on, would he stay friends, how would I manage on my own–but when I did, I opened my mouth and spoke gently and kindly to him. “Things seem to be changing between us, I seem to be ready to move on to a new adventure, I will always be your friend…”.
And guess what? He was ready, too! Eagerly, he ran to his computer and showed me lovely apartment complexes five hours away in the desert on the CA border of AZ and NV that were only $500 per month for two bedrooms, washer/dryer, swimming pool. It turns out that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Or is it the other way around?
What will this new adventure look like for me? I don’t know. I am already busy reclaiming my space even though we are still living together. My boyfriend has driven down to the desert once already to check things out in person, and plans to go back next weekend. We walk around our home saying things like, “This is yours, I’ll help pack it up for you,” and “I’ll leave you a printer since I have three of them”… We are acting naturally–lighthearted and kindly–toward one another.
These last weeks together have been eye opening for me. They have given me a chance to thank this man for being one of the kindest souls in my life just at a time I needed him most–when I was leaving a relationship of 18 years (nine times two) to a man I’d been married to for 17 of them (the same number of years I was when my father’s spirit left his body.)
These last weeks have also opened my eyes to the enormity of the compromises which we have each been making in order for two such different personalities to live comfortably and happily together for the past nine years. My boyfriend is a man who likes to speak loudly, is on the phone–in his booming voice–just about 24/7, and has FOX News on in the background. I am a person who likes to do yoga and meditate as much as possible, and has had to resort to earplugs and closets in order to find pockets of peace and quiet.
I am a person who likes to cook brussel sprouts and fish, and my boyfriend is a man who can smell the odors from his office five blocks away before he heads home. Okay, I am exaggerating–but not by much. I am constantly walking around the condo closing doors so that I can create as much quiet as possible while he is busy opening them to get as much fresh air in to send out all the smells I generate in my cooking.
I am looking forward to the quiet of my space, to having only the furnishings of my taste, to living television free, to having a whole garage to myself with boxes of only my own in neat piles. Even moreso, to the possibility of a relationship with a man who joins me for yoga classes or Reiki shares, walks by the ocean talking of our inner lives. To a relationship where I am strong and whole rather than needy or afraid–as I have been ever since my dad “died” unexpectedly when I was 17, and I was left feeling vulnerable and unprotected in a world that felt unsafe and dangerous.
These past years have been ones of growth and change–inner change–to becoming the strong, whole person I was always meant to be. To seeing myself and the world as loving and kind. To knowing that I am enough and that Love surrounds me in all forms. That I am never alone or unprotected. That God and the angels have my back.
So I invite you along on this next leg of the journey. How fun it is going to be. How exciting it already is. Come along and see for yourself what you learn!